Making GOALS to help ANXIETY in 2023 ft. Ciara Helm, LCSW

Welcome back to Working Through IT and the very first episode of 2023! You asked for it and we delivered: Goals and anxiety in 2023! Join our host Ciara Helm, LCSW as she dives into the topic of anxiety on a deeper level by helping you understand where some anxiety could be coming from and tips that research shows can help with it! It's a fun and information packed episode, let's dive in!

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Transcript

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You're listening to working through it. The Storytime podcast with a mental health lens. Hello? Hello. Happy new year. My friends were back together again. Woo. I'm so glad to be spending my day with you, uh, kicking off the new year. I had a nice break to reset. Um, and we are back together again, for those of you who are new, welcome to working through my name is Sierra and I'm your host. So glad to have you joining us today.

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I'm a licensed clinical social worker and an owner of a private practice called hopeful heart counseling here in the state of Florida. I serve the entire state of Florida and specialize in trauma and grief specifically. Um, but there's so much more to mental health than those two topics. And so I wanted to come and kind of create a space where we can come together every week. Not only to talk about mental health, but exchange stories and get to know one another. Um, and here's the stories of people just like you and me who have gone through things and work through it so that you can not only feel connected, but also feel inspired that not only can they get through it, that means you can get through it. So that's the goal with this. Um, and we have a good time. We play games, all kinds of stuff, but for this specific episode, the first episode, Of working through it for 2023. I wanted to take time just to talk with you and me. Um, and so I did a couple of polls on Instagram asking questions about what kind of content you want to see. And there was an overwhelming number of people who had mentioned that they are looking for some content and information just on anxiety. And I know we've talked a little bit about perfectionism last year. It was so much fun. We got to sit down with Audra, boudin, Sikh, and as well with Monica, uh, for clinicians corner, who is also known as cafe. With Monica, um, on Instagram and all of her socials, it was a really great profound series. I loved it. Um, but this one for today, I really want to focus in on anxiety.

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And for this reason, if you're not following on Instagram, that is a great place where you can come and make requests, connect with me a little on a deeper level. I'm there every week and able to talk with you. And I do a lot of polls on there. Um, and I'm going to try and do even more.

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Do you struggle with persistent worry? Feeling like you can't stop over thinking. Feeling like you're going in circles. Cause you're playing through the worst case scenario. Well, This podcast episode is for you, my friend.

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Ask. This week, we're talking about anxiety. Let's get into it.

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Now before we get into it,

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Here's what you can expect for this episode. We're going to talk about anxiety, but first bring a distinction between the differences with anxiety. And what's also commonly confused with it, which is stress. I'm also going to be talking about different types of anxiety symptoms that may be correlated with anxiety and some symptoms that are similar to stress and how they can be confused between the two. I'll also be giving you a couple helpful tools on how to combat that things like radical acceptance, um, and ways that we can work on our anxiety this year. Um, and the last part will be

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helping to understand things that are making your anxiety worst. So as we're moving into this new year, it's 20, 23, how can we create an opportunity to make things that are increasing our anxiety into goals by kind of flipping them. And now we're going to try to work on those areas. So if you're listening in this episode is going to be a lot of fun and towards the end, we're going to make a goal together. And I want to challenge you now, once you decide whatever your goal is, after we go over it, go ahead and pop on Instagram and leave me a comment on the post about today's podcast, letting me know which goal you chose for yourself.

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really want to make sure that I help bring a distinction between anxiety and what would be considered stress because. They're almost kind of like two camels on the same. Nope, not two camels. It's definitely two humps on the same camel. Not too big gambles on the same hump. But, they're similar. I can understand how they would feel the same, but there is a difference between the two. Now nobody likes feeling stressed, but anxiety is a little bit more than that. Anxiety is a very persistent and severe feeling. It, it often can be fatiguing. It can cause a trouble focusing. Um, even sometimes people have physical reactions to their anxiety where they start feeling like their test is their chest is tight, or they're having a hard time being able to, um, breathe or focus on things. Um, they're a little more irritable. Um, and so I want to kind of explain the difference between those two, because with stress you'll feel a mild in short term, it's not continuous and persistent. Um, and it, it also, it's a reaction to a proportional trigger. So for example, like I'm very stressed at work because. We have a deadline coming up or something like that. That would be an example of stress. Right. But when it comes to anxiety, The worry is often very disproportional to like the actual situation. So it can often cause a sense of anxious, panic. Um, where somebody might have, what's called a panic attack, um, and then feeling so worried and afraid to the point where it can be debilitating or, um, like we mentioned, it can even cause, you know, difficulty with, um, your ability to sleep and things like that. Now stress can also cause those things, um, as far as like, you know, difficulty focusing, because all you're thinking about is the deadline, or all you thinking about is the issue with that friend or all you're thinking about is, you know, work issues or familial issues. Our relationship issues, whatever that is, that can be stressed. Um, but when it gets to a point where it's constant, even if there's no immediate stressor and the worry is a little disproportional to the actual situation and it causes you to really spiral that's where we want to look at that. And it can be almost unprovoked at times, or there can be certain situations that you find yourself in where it is almost impossible not to react to, um, feel that anxiety.

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Not for me with anxiety. I don't struggle with it continuously, but I have had a couple seasons in my life where I was very anxious to the point where I was having panic attacks, unprovoked. And I found that it was oftentimes around bedtime for me. Um, when I was in that setting where I was finally laying down, I had a lot of things going on in my life that were, um, It was just a lot. I had just had a death in the family and my, my personal life was just up in the air. I was also in school full-time it was a lot of things happening, but when I laid down at night and finally, you know, was not able to. Distract myself with social media or school or work or any of those things. All of the things that I have been neglecting would oftentimes kind of just pop up in my head. Oftentimes this things would pop up in my head in the middle of the night and I would just start thinking things and I would spiral into this really. Uncomfortable anxious space. And then it started to progress into where I was having physical reactions to just replaying scenarios. And some of the scenarios weren't even like something that happened during the day. It was fear of the future of what if, or I was peeking around the corner and making all of these scenarios where it was really hard, that also used to happen with me when I was in a job that was high stress. And on my way to work, I had a couple of jobs like that, which we did, you know, that's how I kicked off this entire show is talking about nightmare jobs. If you missed out on that episodes or those episodes, you should go to Nim. But anyway, I found myself. Tearful and anxious driving into work almost every day. And I was having. Because I had, I would get a lot of phone calls for work after hours. And so I would hear Phantom phone calls. I would hear the phone ringing at night and it wasn't even ringing guys, but it was to the point where I could not focus. Now I say all that, because I'm wondering if you, the listener. Can connect to any parts of that. And if you would also say, yeah, I've been there or yeah, I've had it. I mean, everybody has a hard time falling asleep. Do you know that that's actually not true? I. know more people than not that have a hard time falling asleep because their mind won't shut off. But I think that's because of society and the fact that we're constantly pushing all of these things for, with our phones. We sleep with our phones. We watch our phones before bed and before that was watching TV before bed. And so we're teaching our bodies to stay awake. And then when it's time to fall asleep, our brain is not asleep. Um, and so that's the whole thing that, that I want to make sure I help you understand. So that would be like intrusive thoughts when it comes to anxiety. Another part of that is where you have a hard time, um, with physical reactions, things like heart palpitations, um, You feel pressure in your chest, you feel your hands are shaky or sweaty, or, um, your, you get a headache, things like that. That can be anxiety as well. It does not mean it always is. If you are dealing with things like that, like I said, this is not therapy. You should consult your therapist as well as a doctor.

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Another thing that people experience when they're struggling with anxiety can be the fear of failure. And one of the polls on Instagram, a lot of times. A lot of people were saying that they felt. Uh, fear to let go. And that can often come from a fear of losing control and feeling that you have to control everything. Raise your hand. If you're a fellow control, freak in recovery or suddenly realizing maybe I am a control freak, you are not alone. there are things that you can do to help with that. I am an active control freak in recovery because I am a survivor of trauma. For me. It is. was imperative. It was a survival skill to ensure that nothing else further what happened to me, I had to make sure. That I did everything correctly. And I did everything the way I was supposed to do. Um, and it was a way that I could control the outcome. Does that actually happen? No, because we can't control everything and I would focus on things that I couldn't control and get anxious about those things. and so a really great exercise that helps with that. If you're sitting down, go ahead and grab a sheet of paper. And what I'd like for you to do is I want you to draw a circle. I often do this with my clients, and then almost as if you're drawing a bagel or a donut of whatever you want, one big circle, and then on the insight, another circle, and you want to make it large enough where you can draw inside of it. And I believe I've gone over this before in a previous episode, but it's a new year. We have new listeners and I want to provide you with tools. So here we go. In the outer circle, the larger circle. What I want you to do is write down everything that is stressing you out, whatever comes to mind. Okay. Writing all of those things down. If you can fit them inside of that circle. Great. If not, you can make a list. And on your inner circle when you're done, I'd like for you to focus on the things that you can control. So the outer circle, things that are stressing you out, that you cannot control and on the inner circle, it's things that you can control. And what I'd like for you to do is begin to focus on what you can control a great way to help reduce the anxiety that is induced by looking beyond what you can control as a

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We're covering person who needs control. So I think that that's a really great exercise. And what if it helps you? When you see things that you cannot control ground yourself and realize that one, we don't know the outcome two, you cannot control that. And instead, what you can do is if it's something that's persistently making you stressed. That's in that outer circle, grabbed that one item. That's on that list. And make it another donut or bagel or whatever you want to call it specifically about that. What can I control about that circumstance? What can I not control about that circumstance? And then we're going to do what's called radical acceptance.

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So we have some really great opportunities practice radical acceptance by using coping statements. Like the situation is only temporary. I'm going to give you a bunch of them. For you to play with if you want. And again, this is not me giving you advice. This is just what I know works for me and for the clients that I work with. And you're welcome to try it out and compare it with your therapist. Um, and whomever, because I can't be your therapist. I'll. The three through a podcast. Uh, but these are skills that are commonly known in the what's called dialectical behavior therapy. And that specific type of therapy also known as DBT utilizes radical acceptance. It's really great. Marsha Linehan is the founder of that type of therapy and it's really great. So here's a couple things that Marcia Dr. Marcia. Uh, or Dr. Lenahan uses. Every day in her therapy and teaches her DBT therapist to utilize it. So here we go. situation is only temporary. Another radical acceptance. I can't change what has already happened now. These things may not feel true for you as you're saying them, but you're going to focus on making it kind of like a mantra. And as we're going into this new year, the best thing to start. Start out with just the mindfulness mindful, radical acceptance. And if you need to write these down ones that speak to you, take a moment, pause and write down in your phone and your notes, Texas to yourself, put it on a post-it and stick it on a mirror, whatever works for you, but here's a bunch of them. So you write down whatever you think you like.

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Next one. I have dealt with difficulties before, and I can deal with this. Again, we have, I can accept things the way that they are. Ooh. Ooh, that's a hard one. That's a hard one to die. At least for me, I'll be honest. I have a hard time. When I think about that. Um, I can accept things the way they are. My brain automatically goes, but I have to fix it. No, wait, I can help. What can I do to improve this? Bye. I mean, and that's that recovering perfectionist in me. Um, but that's a really great one that maybe I'm going to have to put on my mirror. Um, the next one, the present is the only moment I have control over. Not everything will go my way, but I can be flexible. I won't stress over the things that I can't change. I won't waste my time or energy fighting the past. I may not like it. But this is what happened. Ooh, that's a really challenging one because. Oftentimes, we may try to alter the circumstance. Radical acceptance is not about fixing or changing things, but it's learning to accept things as they are. The next one, how are we acting? This situation is what I can control in this moment. Another second to last. I don't have control over the past. And for my trauma survivors, that can be very challenging or those who have fear of failure. And in the past, you may feel as though you failed. In some way, shape or form. The reality is failure means that there's no way that you can change it. Those kinds of things, but, but you can always change. You can always improve for future, and then it's no longer a failure. It's something that you are able to learn from grow from. And that's the best part about that? We, as humans are always going to make mistakes. You are not perfect. We can not be perfect. And the fear of failure rods. Uh, robs us of the opportunity to be able to move in a direction of growth because we stay just looking at. These things that we weren't able to control, or maybe we're able to control. And we feel that we made a mistake in some way. You can grow from those things. Um, and so don't allow that to cause anxiety because you're nervous about it instead. Take the loss and see it as a winning opportunity for the future in the future, you can do better. If it's something that you can't control. And the last one, I cannot predict the future. I'm okay with that. Peeking around the corner for what may happen, the dreaded, what if's. Those are the most challenging things to remember. Because when you're struggling with anxiety, Oftentimes, we play out scenarios where it's constantly asking the question. Okay. But what happens if things go like this or what happens if. I honestly, as I talked about that one job, um, I've had a couple jobs like that, but I had one job that was a very high stress job. I loved that job. Um, it was when I worked in human trafficking as the program director, I loved that job. I love working with that community. I will always be an ally and advocate for human trafficking, um, relief and ending human trafficking. But it was very stressful because I also was working with a very high needs community. Um, and I, I was working also as a boss on top of that. And there was just a lot of layers to it. It was an incredible job. I love where I worked. Um, it was such a blessing and an honor to do that work. Um, but I knew I wanted to go into therapy and help with human trafficking, um, in that capacity, which is why I transitioned. But I will say there were several times, you know, when we were working with. Clients who were coming out of, you know, a rescue or sometimes I worked undercover with the police. Those were high stress moments where we were trying to rescue women who were being trafficked. Um, and it caused a lot of anxiety when I would go home and I would have to ground myself and recognize that that was not my life. What was happening in that scenario was not my life. But then there were other scenarios where it wasn't as high stakes stress. But, uh, it was a job where I was on call and I was getting calls in the night that job, I would find myself crying on the way to work. Cause I was just playing out all of the possible scenarios of what could go wrong, um, when I was working at that job. And so I, none of them happened. That's the most annoying part I spent my whole morning ruining it. And then I had a great day at work. So, um, all that to say. That last statement is such a powerful statement, because that is mostly what happens when you struggle with anxiety. It's all of the fear of future. And when you learn radical acceptance and practice telling yourself, I can not predict the future. And I'm okay with that. I started doing a mantra for me. That was, uh, let's see what happens. Let's see how it goes. Because every time that I think that something's gonna go wrong and it doesn't. And then sometimes I would be like, oh, it's going to be fine. And then it wouldn't be so great. So, I mean, I can't control it and instead I'm just going to be focused on the present and I'm going to be in this moment, giving my all and practicing peace in moments where things are stressful and grounding myself and not allowing it to cause such anxiety because I have worked through difficult situations before and I can do it again. That's another great radical acceptance. Um, so those are some really great tools. If you are show, live with anxiety.

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Okay. So we've talked about anxiety, what it is, um, a couple of tools that can help with that. And I also want to talk about things that could be making your anxiety worse that are outside of just, you know, the normal worried part of that. Um, sleep is a huge part of it. I'm actually going to be doing a tech review over on Instagram, Tik TOK. Um, where I'm testing out different type of technologies that are supposedly helping with mental health. I'm very excited for those segments. Uh, it's going to be tech Tuesdays. Um, and one of them is about sleep. Sleep is vital for your brain to be able to process things correctly. When we sleep, we go into what's called a REM cycle. And that REM cycle is where we process things. Through the day things that occurred. And when we don't get deep sleep, we don't get to process things. And so oftentimes those things will continue to kind of haunt us. Um, because our brain has not been able to do what it's meant to do. Another part of that. And I say this a lot from my clients. Obviously you are not my client. However, I would say that it is very common. research has shown that anxiety and caffeine are not friends. And I know people don't want to hear that. I know, whoa. But let me tell you at the end of the day, sometimes just cutting out that morning coffee and switching for a non-caffeinated kind or switching into. A decaf. Um, T finding something like a smoothie, just giving a little trade off for caffeine can really help set your day up for more success and less anxiety. Another one is also on drinking. Listen. Hydration. Did you know that coffee is actually a dehydrating? So having, and I'm not saying I don't like coffee, you know, I always start off this podcast and grab a cup. I see it though, like have coffee if you're going to have coffee. But if it, if you have anxiety, maybe you should consider going for decaf or cutting up the afternoon coffee so that you're not having caffeine. That is going to keep you wide awake through the night. The other side of that is looking at hydration. How can we try to work on dehydration? So when we're not drinking enough fluids and you should advise with your doctor or research for yourself, what the right amount for your body is for fluids, but drinking enough fluids is super important because the truth is. When we don't have enough water, um, we will. Eventually feel fatigued, have headaches and a lot of other issues. Um, and so being able, even constipation, so stomach problems. So it's important that you get your hydration in there. Um, sometimes and I listen, raise your hand. If you're with me. Watching the news or social media can also be very stress-inducing mostly because when we do that, we are giving our brains something we're feeding that anxiety. When it's something about fear, doesn't mean don't seek knowledge, don't turn a blind eye, but put boundaries on yourself, knowing your limitations and being able to say, okay, right now I am already worried or feeling anxious. I'm not going to do that. Or these specific topics I know will put me into a spiral. So I'm going to avoid doing that. And find a way to inform myself in a, in a easier way, or to just avoid that topic for now, while I'm working on my anxiety. Okay. Another one is learning how to set boundaries. All my goodness boundaries is such a huge one, but it is very challenging sometimes. Um, when it comes to boundaries. That includes your personal life. Sometimes with family. And. Work. Work will always be there. Work is not going to stop. You have to decide to stop work. That does not mean don't do your job. That means. Set yourself for a win. If you are struggling with anxiety. Try to write out everything that you need to get done and then map that out throughout the week. So that way it's not this huge long line of things, a list of things that, and you don't finish that list because you made it too long. Who on earth can finish 12 things in a day. If you can, bro. Though. I mean, Most of us don't have that ability or time. And so we need to make it so that we can celebrate little wins and help decrease our anxiety by showing ourselves that we are showing up today, we're giving our best, and that should be enough. And the way that we can do that is by setting ourself up with realistic expectations and goals. And that has to do with setting boundaries. That means that you're going to be able to say, Hey, listen, I cannot do that today. But I will work on that later. Your boss is asking you for a million things, asking the question of, I have a few things that I'm working on. This is what I have going on, which of these things. Would you like me to put a pause on so that I can work on what it is that you're asking me to do instead of just saying, yep. I'll take that too. Um, and it's just communicating, you are human and you have limits. And so being able to also turn work off when you are home, if possible. Um, and working towards finding a good balance. Boundaries with them. Relationships and family is also communicating what it is that you need. And I've care. I've said this before, but a boundary is not meant to be a line in the sand that separates you from somebody, unless you need to be separated from them. But it's really more like an opportunity for them to walk on what would be like a think of it like a Seesaw. You're saying, this is what I need and the other person gets to choose if they want to meet you halfway and find balance in that relationship. But whenever somebody is giving more than the other, it's always going to be an uneven relationship. So being able to say, listen, I feel about, and I need, this is an opportunity to show that person that you want a deeper relationship, um, by being truthful with how you feel. So boundaries are really great to help decrease anxiety. But you didn't know. And if you did and you are doing it, tell me one of your boundaries over on Instagram. Um, and then the last thing I'll say is making sure if you are struggling with, um, anxiety, to move your body for about 30 minutes a day, whether that's going outside, getting some vitamin D exposing yourself to some sunshine. Now I know those of you who are living in cold areas. The idea of going outside sounds. Sounds horrible, but you can even go on YouTube and find some easy at home. No equipment needed exercises, even yoga, Pilates, things like that, but trying to get your body moving. We'll help your body to function at the capacity. It's meant to. It will remove that lethargic feeling. And it will also help decrease anxiety by increasing really positive hormones, like endorphins, dopamine, um, all of those fun things. So that's what I would recommend as far as some goals that you can try. Now another one and I'll just name a few others. In case those aren't hitting home for something you want to make one of your goals for 2023. Um, but not to, to, to anybody's horn. When I go back to drinking. I'm going to talk about drinking alcohol also. If you are someone who is very anxious and you find that when you drink, you become very emotional or overwhelmed. Pay attention to that signal in your body. So this wall is smoking. If you're finding that it's making you anxious. Your body is telling you something and you should pay attention. Because that it means that it's just not a good fit. And it's something that you can look at to consider. Okay. Maybe I can cut back on that saying that you have to quit altogether, but try and find a way to serve your body and work with it instead of against the currents. And, uh, it's more, more like a downhill battle rather than uphill battle kind of situation. You want to choose your battles wisely. And if your body's telling you something, pay attention to it and work with it. Um, the other side of that is also like we talked about with over-scheduling yourself. Consider finding time to replenish yourself daily, whether that's having a little bit of alone time to read a book, to listen to this podcast, any podcast, whatever it is that makes you happy. Listening to music, cooking. Anything like that that's positive and not anxiety inducing. Some people I know. My sister always talks about when she comes home from work. Coming home to cook for her family can be challenging. She works full time. She's a teacher. And then she also goes home and has to cook for people. And, you know, she loves her family, but it's hard to feel when you give so much care all day. To also now have to be the person who's cooking. So it's important to also recognize like maybe cooking is a little stressful, so maybe you can try and meal prep or find things that can set you up so that when you come home from work, you have a moment to breathe. Um, and so those are some really great. Tools, and challenges that we can look at, say, see the challenge, turn it into a tool by making it a goal.

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So. you're with me, let's pick out one thing that you feel you can work on. know what it is in the over in, on Instagram, on any of the socials, uh, trauma therapy talk for all of them. Um, and I would love to be able to just hear what spoke to you. Um, I think for me, I'm going to work mostly on sleep because I don't sleep well. So I'm really. Putting it out there that this year I'm focusing on getting enough rest fall falling on figuring out why I'm not sleeping well and trying to work with that. So that's my goal. Let me know what yours is. you enjoyed this podcast, be sure to give it a download. Give me a rating. If you don't It helps me to know that we're moving the right direction. This is just a passion project for me. And though I am not your therapist. I'm your friend is a therapist. And so I get to be able to just talk a little bit with you guys. I think it's also important for us to acknowledge that. When we're setting goals, new year's resolutions are not the way to do it. It has to be because we want. That goal. And goals don't necessarily have to be all about what we do not like about ourselves. I think a very healthy goal and an important one for somebody who is working through anxiety is to also set goals about not just things you want to change, but things that you like about yourself. Because when we can shift our thinking from negative to positive, we're showing our brain that despite feeling this anxious feeling of self-loathing. How many of you have ever been in a social setting? Maybe it's just me where you are hyper aware of the fact that, uh, something you said two years ago at a party is still haunting you when you go to bed or take shower or you're driving, has that ever happened to anybody else or is that just me? I know that sometimes I can be my own worst critic. And if you are sitting here and listening and you know that most of the time, you don't speak positively to yourself, it's time to make a goal that is actually serving you also positively. There are times where goals about things that you want to change about yourself are very important because that's how we grow. But I think another part of growth is also moving into a place of acceptance, which will then shift us into a place of appreciation and then move us closer towards love. And I got to tell you self-love is so vital because out of everybody that you encounter in your life every day on your day to day basis, you, my friend are the only person that you can not escape. So working to, um, Move yourself into a place of self-love is important because you are worthy. You are worthy of love just as you are. Now. That does not mean that we should be complacent. But that does mean that we should. So ourself kindness. Um, and show ourself that regardless of the mistakes we make. We are worthy of love. And that starts with this. Okay. So whether it was self-love that you wanted to add to your list or a couple other areas, cutting out that coffee, going for a walk, whatever it is. Make those goals, write them down and then set yourself up for a place of space and grace space to try grace to try again. Um, Let's not call it a new year's resolution. Let's just say, we're going to try to decrease our anxiety by showing ourselves kindness and working with our body and working with our minds instead of against it, by giving it things that it doesn't need. Right. Um, and so that's where I would love to see you. Over on my socials, letting me know what it is that you chose. I would love to connect. Um, so let me know in the comments there, you can find me on, uh, Instagram and on. The ticket talks, the tick talks. I'm going to say the tick tocks because I'm old and I feel weird being on tic-tac, but you know, I want to meet you where you're at. So come pop over on one of those spots and let me know. What you chose to work? Towards with kindness this year.

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So with that said, you're going to want to stay tuned because we have some incredible episodes coming up. I'm very excited for 20, 23 new tech talk, um, a whole lot of clinicians coming on for more clinicians corner. And I am looking forward to spending more time with you. Until next time friends take care.

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